you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
