she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize