so that wasnt chicken after all
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
