She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
