I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
