We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
