She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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