I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
