i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
