Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
