god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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