Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
