My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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