Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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