We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
