It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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