: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
