Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
