no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
