I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
