I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize