finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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