I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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