I've blown a few things in my day
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
