i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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