I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
