You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
