hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
