My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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