I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
