I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
