I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize