i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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