He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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