This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
