I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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