Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
