she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Found your dick twin last night
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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