What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
