I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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