just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
