I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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