We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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