did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
