Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
