think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
