Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
