I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
