Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
