One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize