I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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