I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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