good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
