I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
