Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
