Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
