We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
