I just made out with a guy for $7.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
