btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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