I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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