I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
